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December 29, 2002

Saddam Hussein
President, Iraq

Dear Mr. President:

For quite some time I have been considering your options as America masses its troops and weapons on your borders. You would be perfectly justified in utterly destroying Iraq and turning it into a place inhabited only by unclean and hateful birds, in getting all your citizens to commit suicide, and in murdering any who would not. After all, the U.S. must somehow be brought to repentance for its own inhumanity, its own lies and its own bloodthirstiness.

But then I thought, why don’t you embrace the Americans? Invite them all into Iraq. Give them the whole country to govern, operate and defend. You’ve already invited in a hundred or more weapons inspectors, and you’ve invited in the CIA to poke around wherever they want. Just go one step further and invite in all of America. Invite in all the U.S. military, and have a parade with roses. Go down into the street yourself and wave to them and throw flowers as they tread around Baghdad’s red-carpeted boulevards in their Abrams and Bradleys.

Turn all your hospitals over to American doctors and nurses. Get American engineers to build you better bridges. Invite in a batch of American MBAs, or perhaps unemployed Enron execs, to manage the oil fields. Iraqi doctors, nurses, engineers and managers can get some rest they must sorely need, and be retrained in universities run by American educators. You might not recall that I proposed something similar to you in 1990 at the time of your last Middle East Crisis. http://www.gerryarmstrong.org/50grand/writings/saddam-bill-wgert-and- me.html#saddam

Because your time to act is extremely limited, I would suggest that as soon as you invite all the Americans to Iraq you hold a nation-wide referendum on joining the U.S. as the 51st State. Being the dictator you are, you should be able to get a 100 percent approval for Statehood, as you did for yourself in the general election this past October. Iraq and the Iraqi people could certainly not be worse off than they are now, and really, joining the U.S. could be very profitable, and a lot of fun. If you truly wanted to possess weapons of mass destruction, joining the U.S. would be the way to go. American citizens possess the biggest stockpile of the nastiest, most evil weapons of mass destruction, and the delivery systems for them, that man or satan has ever seen, and as an American citizen you’d also be a joint possessor of these gruesome weapons.

Obviously becoming a U.S. State would bring some real American stupidities with it, like its tobacco and other drug cartels, its “ justice” system, and Scientology, but the U.S. will impose these stupidities on you anyway. With Statehood, the Iraqis will at least have a voice and a vote, and some day may be able to bring a little wisdom to America. You will clearly have to step down as dictator of Iraq, but you could run for Governor, or for Congress. Even if you decided to get out of politics, as a former dictator and sort of unsavory character, you would have no trouble getting hired as a consultant or lobbyist.

Japan, Germany and South Korea have years of experience being occupied by the U.S. and they are known as unquestioned success stories. Just consider how much more successful they could have been if they had voted to become American States. Without a doubt, Israel would be happy to have you be a U.S. citizen and your country a U.S. State. This is also a resolution of Palestine’s hostilities and poverty that the Palestinians should pursue. In fact, I think you better act immediately to be the first new American State of the Millennium, because all countries for their own survival will have to vote very soon to become U.S. States.

So, first of all, and immediately, invite in all Americans, and throw your doors wide open. Then, the moment you extend this invitation, also announce a vote for U.S. Statehood. I know this will take a little PR shuffling because you’ve been bad mouthing the Americans for so long, but you are, as I’ve said, the dictator, so you can do whatever you want and everyone has to believe. Plus, Allah, of course, in addition to being the Thousand Other Things, is a Sense of Humor, so get your people to have fun with it.

Invite Jimmy Carter to oversee the referendum, and invite President Bush for tea at your nicest Presidential Palace, and a tour of the whole of this most amazing realization of his wildest expansionist dreams. Perhaps if he spent a little time in Iraq, Mr. Bush could understand why one or two thinking people think it’s not necessarily all that logical to depopulate the country to a point of total obliteration if his inspectors find no WMD. I’m not proposing that I be your hostage or make myself available for assassination or torture, as I did in 1990, because now I have a wonderful sweetheart fiancée for whom I want to live. But if you wanted me to participate in Iraq’s Statehood Referendum celebrations, or visit for any peaceful, unpainful reason, just give me a jingle.

Yours truly,
Gerry Armstrong
c/o Dialog Zentrum Berlin
Heimat 27
D-14165 Berlin-Zehlendorf
Tel: +49 (0) 30-84723958
gerry@gerryarmstrong.org
http://www.gerryarmstrong.org/50grand/introduction.html


I received this wonderful letter from President Bush’s White House staff in immediate response to the copy I sent him of my letter to Saddam Hussein proposing Iraq as the 51st State:

[Quote]
To: gerry@gerryarmstrong.org


Thank you for emailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very
important to him.

… because of the large volume of email received, the President cannot personally respond to each message. However, … H…e … considers … your email. Your …work … is appreciated.

Sincerely,
The White House

[End Quote]

I think President Bush might really have been sincere, and might really have taken my proposal to heart. It’s been well over a month and he hasn’t vaporized Iraq.

I didn’t hear back from President Hussein, but quite clearly he is tidying up Iraq so the Americans will feel right at home.

Thank God for time. We should have more of it.

 

 
   

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