December 29, 2002
Dear Mr. President:
For quite some time I have been considering your options as America masses
its troops and weapons on your borders. You would be perfectly justified in
utterly destroying Iraq and turning it into a place inhabited only by unclean
and hateful birds, in getting all your citizens to commit suicide, and in
murdering any who would not. After all, the U.S. must somehow be brought to
repentance for its own inhumanity, its own lies and its own bloodthirstiness.
But then I thought, why don’t you embrace the Americans? Invite them
all into Iraq. Give them the whole country to govern, operate and defend.
You’ve already invited in a hundred or more weapons inspectors, and
you’ve invited in the CIA to poke around wherever they want. Just go one
step further and invite in all of America. Invite in all the U.S. military,
and have a parade with roses. Go down into the street yourself and wave to
them and throw flowers as they tread around Baghdad’s red-carpeted
boulevards in their Abrams and Bradleys.
Turn all your hospitals over to American doctors and nurses. Get American
engineers to build you better bridges. Invite in a batch of American MBAs, or
perhaps unemployed Enron execs, to manage the oil fields. Iraqi doctors,
nurses, engineers and managers can get some rest they must sorely need, and be
retrained in universities run by American educators. You might not recall that
I proposed something similar to you in 1990 at the time of your last Middle
Because your time to act is extremely limited, I would suggest that as soon
as you invite all the Americans to Iraq you hold a nation-wide referendum on
joining the U.S. as the 51st State. Being the dictator you are, you should be
able to get a 100 percent approval for Statehood, as you did for yourself in
the general election this past October. Iraq and the Iraqi people could
certainly not be worse off than they are now, and really, joining the U.S.
could be very profitable, and a lot of fun. If you truly wanted to possess
weapons of mass destruction, joining the U.S. would be the way to go. American
citizens possess the biggest stockpile of the nastiest, most evil weapons of
mass destruction, and the delivery systems for them, that man or satan has
ever seen, and as an American citizen you’d also be a joint possessor of
these gruesome weapons.
Obviously becoming a U.S. State would bring some real American stupidities
with it, like its tobacco and other drug cartels, its “ justice”
system, and Scientology, but the U.S. will impose these stupidities on you
anyway. With Statehood, the Iraqis will at least have a voice and a vote, and
some day may be able to bring a little wisdom to America. You will clearly
have to step down as dictator of Iraq, but you could run for Governor, or for
Congress. Even if you decided to get out of politics, as a former dictator and
sort of unsavory character, you would have no trouble getting hired as a
consultant or lobbyist.
Japan, Germany and South Korea have years of experience being occupied by
the U.S. and they are known as unquestioned success stories. Just consider how
much more successful they could have been if they had voted to become American
States. Without a doubt, Israel would be happy to have you be a U.S. citizen
and your country a U.S. State. This is also a resolution of Palestine’s
hostilities and poverty that the Palestinians should pursue. In fact, I think
you better act immediately to be the first new American State of the
Millennium, because all countries for their own survival will have to vote
very soon to become U.S. States.
So, first of all, and immediately, invite in all Americans, and throw your
doors wide open. Then, the moment you extend this invitation, also announce a
vote for U.S. Statehood. I know this will take a little PR shuffling because
you’ve been bad mouthing the Americans for so long, but you are, as
I’ve said, the dictator, so you can do whatever you want and everyone
has to believe. Plus, Allah, of course, in addition to being the Thousand
Other Things, is a Sense of Humor, so get your people to have fun with it.
Invite Jimmy Carter to oversee the referendum, and invite President Bush
for tea at your nicest Presidential Palace, and a tour of the whole of this
most amazing realization of his wildest expansionist dreams. Perhaps if he
spent a little time in Iraq, Mr. Bush could understand why one or two thinking
people think it’s not necessarily all that logical to depopulate the
country to a point of total obliteration if his inspectors find no WMD.
I’m not proposing that I be your hostage or make myself available for
assassination or torture, as I did in 1990, because now I have a wonderful
sweetheart fiancée for whom I want to live. But if you wanted me to
participate in Iraq’s Statehood Referendum celebrations, or visit for
any peaceful, unpainful reason, just give me a jingle.
c/o Dialog Zentrum Berlin
Tel: +49 (0) 30-84723958
I received this wonderful letter from President Bush’s White House
staff in immediate response to the copy I sent him of my letter to Saddam
Hussein proposing Iraq as the 51st State:
Thank you for emailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very
important to him.
… because of the large volume of email received, the President cannot
personally respond to each message. However, … H…e …
considers … your email. Your …work … is appreciated.
The White House
I think President Bush might really have been sincere, and might really
have taken my proposal to heart. It’s been well over a month and he
hasn’t vaporized Iraq.
I didn’t hear back from President Hussein, but quite clearly he is
tidying up Iraq so the Americans will feel right at home.
Thank God for time. We should have more of it.